Creating The Life You Want: It’s All About The Questions You Ask

A colleague recently asked me to write a post for her blog Love the Life You Lead. The only guideline she stipulated was to start with a question. I realized that getting to where I am now required changing the questions I was asking. Here’s my story of discovering the right questions.

My Story, Part 1: Breaking Free

I lived the first 25 years of my life letting my ‘should-er’ be the boss. I got a university degree I didn’t really want (Business). I spent 20 years in a corporate career that I didn’t really want (Business). (Notice how one ‘should’ led to the next…) Until one day I finally found the courage to leave. I remember driving to work on my last day and I had the inclination to ask myself, “is this what you really want?” My entire body completely relaxed. Like a huge exhale. As if years of stress evaporated. That moment was perhaps the very first time my should-er was silent. My body spoke to me loud and clear. I didn’t know where I was headed but I knew I had made the right decision for me. I don’t know what influenced me to ask myself that question but I’m glad I did.

Lesson 1: Be aware of your ‘should-er’

The should-er is that nagging voice that chirps away incessantly telling us what we ‘should’ be doing. Known by various names – saboteur, gremlin or black crow – to name a few, the should-er makes up rules about how we are supposed to live our life and measure success. When we let the should-er run the show, we end up stressed, depressed and, literally, sick in bed. By the way, notice how should-er spells shoulder – the ledge beside your neck near your ear where this creature likes to perch?

No punishment anyone might inflict on us could possibly be worse than the punishment we inflict on ourselves by conspiring in our own diminishment. ~Parker Palmer

My Story, Part 2: Enjoying the Journey of Discovery

Since leaving corporate life, I attained a Master’s degree in a field I’m passionate about (Gender and Cultural Studies), became certified as a coach and as a yoga teacher, and completed numerous other trainings in topics that appeal to me – Team Coaching, Leadership Development, Community Change, Deep Democracy, Yoga for Mood, Yoga for Athletes and the list goes on. Seems like a random list doesn’t it? I was thinking that too. And I realized at the core of all this training is a focus on helping people develop a positive relationship with themselves and those around them. How to celebrate our quirks and peculiarities with no judgment about how we ‘should’ be or, how anyone else ‘should’ be. Of course, I was my first student.

All this training was a journey in discovering the ‘real’ me. One step at a time …

Lesson 2: “What do I want?”

Ask  “what do I want to do with my life?” Note, there will be a tendency for the ‘should-er’ to appear along with its best friend, stuck.

• How do I figure out what I want?
• What if I can’t figure it out?
• I have no choice anyway.
• Things aren’t so bad. Perhaps I should just stay put.

The should-er likes the status quo, the way things are. We end up stuck. Not moving. Caught in a web of false safety. One way to by-pass the should-er is to ask the question, “what do I want to try now?” and then be patient. Keep asking the question until you feel calm and sureness in your body. Literally. And then try it out. See if it feels right when you take action in that direction. The only way to know is to take a step.

Walker, there is no path. The path is made by walking. (Original: “Caminante, no hay camino. Se hace camino al andar.”)  ~Antonio Machado

My Story, Part 3: Finding More-In-Me

Over the last 10+ years, I’ve made mistakes, wrong choices, fallen a number of times and really questioned myself. But I kept going. How did I do it? By asking, “What do I need to learn? What resources can I draw on?” First, I learned to ask for help. I learned there are people who will help even when, or especially when, we feel alone and vulnerable. Second, I made health a priority – body, mind and spirit. I got lots of sleep, ate well, exercised, had quiet time and was outside in nature as much as possible. Third, I used my experience distance running as a metaphor for figuring things out. I reminded myself that I could endure discomfort and overcome ‘injuries’. That I literally needed to just keep putting one foot in front of the other to stay the course. That with continued training and clear ‘mile markers’ I’d accomplish my goals. I knew that if I kept moving, anything was possible because the chubby, smoking party girl of my younger years could run a marathon! In fact, many marathons. My mantra has become “I’ve got more-in-me!”.

Lesson 3: Trust the process.

Trust the process. Trust the unfolding. Here comes the should-er again…this time with its other best friend, fear.

• Have I made the right choices?
• What if I’m not good enough?
• What if I don’t have what it takes?
• What if I fail?

When we learn to walk, we fall down many times before we figure out how to walk across a room. We are given loads of encouragement to keep trying and not give up. Through falling we find our balance – a steady place from which to move forward. It takes courage, perseverance, patience, compassion, resiliency and a good nature. And we do it. We figure it out. We fall. We fail. We get back up. We keep trying. That’s how life works. When things don’t go as planned, figure out what the lesson is and then take another step. Other helpful words to carry along the way are wonder, curiosity, awe, equanimity and lots of LOL. And believing you have more in you…because you absolutely do.

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up, again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Epilogue: Now I am truly loving the life I lead. I live in a small city in the midst of an outdoor wonderland where within minutes I can be skiing, paddling, swimming, cycling, snowshoeing or running along the shore of a lake. I’ve integrated my passions into my work through The More-In-Me MOVEment, an initiative designed to encourage people to find their ‘more-in-me’. I have a rich and varied group of friends and colleagues. A wonderful partner and puppy. And most importantly, I’m happy with me, just the way I am.

Success rests in having the courage and endurance and, above all, the will to become the person you are, however peculiar that may be. Then you will be able to say, ‘I have found my hero, and [s]he is me. ~George Sheehan

Postscript: While it was a ‘should’ that kept me in a corporate job so long, it was also the rewards of that job that enabled me to go on this exploration and I’m grateful. It’s a privilege that I acknowledge and I appreciate being able to pass it on in my work helping people answer their questions.

What questions have you asked yourself? What lessons did you learn? Please share in the comments section.