Three Roles for Change: Real Me, Observer, Aligner

So often we think of ourselves as simply actors in a predetermined script where we have no options other than to play out the role as it has been defined to please others.

Imagine that instead of simply being an actor in a play or movie where someone else writes the script, you get to be the scriptwriter as well as the actor. You get to decide what you are going to do next and when you are going to do it. How will you know what choices to make? Imagine that you get to be the audience too so you know what impact you are having and that gives you an idea of what actions you want to take. Sound too good to be true? It’s not. You can develop your ability in all three roles.

I’ve named these roles Real Me, Observer and Aligner.

Real Me

Instead of actor it’s the Real Me. An actor implies pretending or playing a part however this role is really about being your authentic self and bringing more of the Real Me that is often tucked away inside, out in the world. When we can fully express our quirky and unique self, we feel the most alive and at ease. Developing capacity as the Observer and Aligner helps us achieve our full expression of Real Me.

Observer

Being your own audience is what I call the Observer role. This is a very important role because it provides lots of information and feedback for you about you. When we develop this capacity to be able to pay attention to what we’re doing in the moment, we are able to influence our thoughts and actions to initiate the change we want or achieve our desired outcomes. And this awareness is what helps us know what change we want in the first place because we see ourselves in action. In Emotional Intelligence it’s called self-awareness. In yoga it’s called witness fitness. In meditation it is called mindfulness. In leadership it’s called being aware of our impact. In coaching it’s called noticing. Regardless of what we call it, the ability to be an Observer in our own life is what opens up the options and choices before us to express the Real Me.

Being your own audience is what I call the Observer role. This is a very important role because it provides lots of information and feedback for you about you. When we develop this capacity to be able to pay attention to what we’re doing in the moment, we are able to influence our thoughts and actions to initiate the change we want or achieve our desired outcomes. And this awareness is what helps us know what change we want in the first place because we see ourselves in action. In Emotional Intelligence it’s called self-awareness. In yoga it’s called witness fitness. In meditation it is called mindfulness. In leadership it’s called being aware of our impact. In coaching it’s called noticing. Regardless of what we call it, the ability to be an Observer in our own life is what opens up the options and choices before us to express the Real Me.

Aligner

Enter the scriptwriter, or as I call it, the Aligner role which takes the information from the Observer to see if it is aligned with Real Me. When you find yourself thinking or behaving in a particular way in a situation repeatedly, and it isn’t what you want, then you need to interrupt that habit or pattern in order to change it and create a new one. Once your Observer has made you aware of what you’re doing and if change is wanted, the Aligner helps edit the script right in the moment and choose a different thought or behaviour. Or you might just make note and edit the script for next time. The Aligner reminds us of our values and what’s important to us, our goals and commitments and our desire to express more of the Real Me.

Important note: Remember scripts are rewritten all the time because we can never be quite sure what’s going to work best until we try it. When something doesn’t work we say “ta da” I just learned what didn’t work and then make another edit. Remember not to beat yourself up for getting it wrong but rather be positive and celebrate the learning. The more we pay attention, noticing in the moment and then making an intentional choice with a positive attitude, the easier it gets and eventually we create a new habit or response.

In summary, our three roles for change are Real Me, Observer and Aligner.

• Real Me is how you authentically show up in the world through your thoughts, actions and deeds.
• The Observer is you paying attention to what you are thinking and how you are behaving while it is happening, in the moment.
• The Aligner is the ‘go-between’ aligning your thoughts and behaviours with your values, desires and Real Me. The Aligner helps you make conscious choices so you are being who you want to be and achieving the outcomes you want at the same time.

As with developing any skill, the more we practice, the more proficient we become at using the skill. So take a few minutes after your next interaction or meeting or email and observe yourself. Did you respond or behave the way you wanted to? If yes, give yourself a big ‘yay’ as acknowledgement. If no, what’s one simple thing you could you do differently next time? Now give yourself a big ‘yay’ for taking the time to reflect and learn.